My Children

I have recognized that this website has unintentionally become a bit of an esoteric dictionary filled with thought provoking ideals. That being said, I aspire to be thought provoking - that is part of the point! However, I am going to switch things up a little bit for this entry. Today, I need to release.. For my children. I am so sorry. I'm so sorry that the hand that I was dealt - the hand that I had chosen - didn't turn out to be the winning hand. Though the "game" isn't over, I am often filled with sadness for how life has unfolded. Unfolded, I will remain in this regard, though! Many days, I filter through endless videos that I captured of you playing and being silly from when you all were little up until now! Your "new to this world" innocence makes my heart glow. The tiny voices that squeak through the speaker while I intently watch you play like I wasn't the one recording all the videos. The memories of the exact moments that flood into the front of my consciousness while I pay even closer attention to the moments that have passed. Looking at you today and imagining your innocence yesterday - yesterday when I was struggling emotionally and trying my best to show up for you! Doing all the little things to keep you all entertained as if I wasn't breaking silently inside myself. I wore thin; working full time, being a mom full time, taking care of the entire households everyday duties and making sure I left no stone unturned, running all the errands and covering all the appointments and school meetings. I was so consumed with responsibilities that I left no space for me to take care of me. (Not much has changed, but I have the ability to handle it differently.) On top of that, I was alone and hurting in my marriage. You were too young to understand. It was never meant to be that way. I'm sorry for the many times that I didn't have the patience that you all deserved more than anything in this world! When you were learning, I was present, yet I was not present in the way that would benefit you best! I look at you now, with the most patience I have ever been able to attain and I wish I had learned earlier. I would have been such a good mom!! I think about the times I would get frustrated with you when you didn't want to focus on your homework with me. I just wanted to get it over with and enjoy our time together! I didn't want to have to sit and do homework just as much as you didn't want to, but because I was emotionally tired and frustrated - we couldn't enjoy that time together regardless. I don't know why I couldn't just find the joy in those moments. I sift through my thoughts on these instances when they happen now. I sit with all of you at the table for hours sometimes! I am as supportive as I possibly can be, but your innocence is not the same. You deserved my patience a long time ago. I'm so sorry I wasn't better. My frustration was never any of your fault. It was an unhealthy projection of my own experiences. I look back at all the bedtimes that the three of you would somehow always have your second wind! Most of the time, I accepted it and let it play out. However, I can't forget the nights that I would burst into flames because I couldn't get a grip and I clothed your playful childishness in disrespect! I know you were just babies being crazy little babies! I hate the nights that I wasn't the mom that I love to be. I used to cry once everyone was finally settled in on those nights. I remember talking myself down, reminding myself that it won't be like this for long and it wasn't! In fact, it went by SO fast that my heart hurts more for my shortcomings in those fleeting moments. It's the things that I never wanted to be that haunt me sometimes. You all love me, I know. You don't focus on those moments, but it hurts my feelings when I do, because I am sure that I hurt your fragile emotions when I was not so conscious of what I was doing. I would always apologize when that would happen, but you won't remember the apology at that age. You will, however, remember how you felt when I created a reason to apologize. I'm so sorry. These days, you're all old enough to know better, but on the days that you challenge me the most and I forget that I'm the adult - I will always apologize because I want you to understand that I am also still human and I am learning, but I am accountable for my actions! Me losing my patience is a reflection of what's going on inside of me. It is not your responsibilty to handle that nor be a verbal/emotional punching bag for myself OR anyone else! It is my responsibility to maintain coherence as your mom, but when it comes to anyone else, you can always seek me for protection. It is also my responsibilty to protect you to the best of my ability until you have come to fully understand how to protect yourselves! It is my aspiration that no matter where you are and who you are with, you possess enough awareness and keen ability to use your discernment to disentitle anyone else' unhealthy behaviors as your own - whether they're directed at you or performed in front of you. My hope is that you will know better than to accept others destructive behaviors as your fault nor adopt it into your own personalities. After everything I have learned/unlearned and the experience we have worked through, it is my mission to never allow you to feel emotional instability - whether it's on my behalf or anyone else! We have evolved through many times. I will always put you first! When it comes down to you and/or anyone else - ITS ALWAYS YOU. You're well being has always been my priority since the day you arrived on Earth!!! With time, I have grown to understand the progression from the role I had played many years ago and the role I play now. I will do my best to help you unlearn the unintentional lessons that I may have taught you. My mission is to break a cycle and I won't allow myself or anyone else to reverse the growth that we gain together. I always say that you chose me for a reason. We are going to change everything for our ancestors and future generations in this lifetime! I'm sorry for how it started, but I am not sorry for how it's going now... Your little hearts matter more to me than anyone or anything in this lifetime.

I love you all more than you can ever understand!!