Family

What is Family to you? Most consider the traditional idea of the concept - which would be a combination of "blood related" relatives. While this is a beautiful reality for many, it is not that way for all of us. I used to consider myself robbed of the "family experience." Neither my fathers side of "family" nor my mothers side of "family" are what you would consider to be in harmonious coexistence. My mother and father once magnified that lack of harmony - creating a very confusing childhood for myself and my brother. My brother that I share both my mother and father with. I actually have 4 brothers and 2 sisters that I share blood with between the two of them, but I dont really know half of them. This is also something I always felt emotional about. It is an unfortunate truth I have reluctantly accepted over the years. More recently, I wonder if I can bring everyone together. As far as parents, aunts and uncles, I'm not sure the stubborn personalities and unnecessary grudge holds will allow it in this lifetime. One can imagine, though. I suppose it's part of that relentless purpose I'm driven by. There was a time that I can remember my mom and her sisters getting along when we were all much younger. The memories of spending that time with my cousins are cherished. Despite our parents petty differences, whatever they may be, my cousins, (on my mothers side), and I have found our way to maintain loving relationships and communication. One of them being one of my very best friends! Most likely because there was a short lived time period when we got to spend days together. As far as my fathers side, I never really developed a relationship with any of my cousins. We would see each other on the rare occasion that my grandmother would host a family gathering.. Those were a little uncomfortable to attend. There was tension. I'll never forget the time my grandmother had a Christmas Eve party and I was invited in my teenage years. (There was a huge gap of absence here, but that's another story.) I was getting ready to leave the party so I gave her a hug. In front of my Aunt and her daughter, (my cousin), she began to degrade me. She very smuggly said, "look at her, doesn't she just think she's the cats meow!! Ha!!" They both laughed with her. I didn't really understand what that meant or why she said it at that time, so I just giggled and told her that I'd see her again soon and that I loved her. She responded by telling me that I don't have to say that. She said "maybe I don't love you!!" I laughed it off and repeated my authentic statement with love again. Then, I turned around and walked to my car with tears in my eyes and proceeded to release my hurt feelings on my drive home. My mother always claimed that my grandmother hated her so much and that's why she was often so mean to me throughout my childhood. Regardless, no child deserves that. Thank God I grew past that day and granted forgiveness, but I'll never forget how I felt and still feel when I reflect on it. I'm sure she's sorry. She's passed on now, but I was sure to forgive her to her face the day she decided to "let go" after my visit to her. As for my cousins, fortunately because of Facebook, I can have a distant surface relationship with some from my father's side and watch their lives unfold and them mine. This is far from my ideal imagined family dynamic, however it's the reality as of today. I spent a lot of time trying to understand why it's this way. Moving forward, as I grew in age I began to develop meaningful relationships! I was so blessed to develop many of them with people who have large, loving, supportive families! I became so involved in all my friends lives and families that I got to be present for every day life as well as many grand events! Even my first summer job!! I got to witness the unwavering support of loving relatives. I love being in the presence of all of it! I used to cry a lot because I couldn't understand why I had chosen the parents and family that would hurt my heart and give me space only to feel so lost. Then, somehow felt like an outsider observing all these other families. I yearned for safety and connection. I had wished that I had what my closest friends and ex husband had! Do they all realize how blessed they truly are? Are they able to acknowledge this the same way that I am filtering it in through my very experience with them? Do they know how grateful I am to be there? I spent so much time feeling sadness until recently. Circumstances haven't changed much, other than the traumatic conclusion of my marriage. It felt like a lot of defeat in many ways, especially in the sense that I was finally going to build the dynamic I had longed for with my own little family, but life had another plan! Even that didn't sway my acceptance in his very large family! They still loved me! Why!? In addition to that, I still had all of the other families I'd grown into among all my closest friends. I have come to the understanding that I am welcome with love in all of these scenarios! Why!? I am not their blood, but I am treated no different than if I were. "Why" doesn't matter! I am seeing My family experience through a new lense in this last decade of my earthly experience! I believe it is possible that I agreed to cross paths very deliberately in this lifetime with many. There has always been a plan, right!? These people are part of my Soul Pod. It is vast! Most currently, I have relationships that have been under repair in regards to some, while most are nurtured with many others! Regardless of any "condition," all is as it should be! Am I not the most blessed of all in the midst of my collection of loving families!? All of these people who love me and support me regardless of my path or where I came from! If there is one thing that I have learned, it's that you CAN choose your family! Likewise, I have been chosen by so many and not a single word can express the deep emotions that consume my physical body in that clarity! I am so grateful for all of the people that create my tribe! Every personality! I am grateful to find the space to recognize and not just observe the love anymore, but ABSORB it, too! Of course I still spend much time observing because I love to do so, and I am still working on allowing my acceptance without overthinking it, but I absorb while I'm present! Again, words cannot express the gratitude I have for everyone that shares love with me. Not even the emotions that stream down my face on a regular basis can begin to display how deeply I truly feel. Family, to me, is the beautiful collection of humans that accept me and love me for who I am in my authenticity, regardless of the path that lead us to each other. I LOVE YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH. What a beautiful exemplification of the love I have found within myself - for myself - that it be reflected back to me from all directions in some way shape or form! Everything begins from within! Seek. I am Love. We are love, my family!